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Sunday, August 4, 2013

How to Raise Frenchlings

I'm packing my suitcase right now for a three day trip up to Vancouver, British Columbia.  We're leaving around noon and should cross the border late afternoon.  So far the plan is very simple:  Go to Mass, Find an AA meeting, and meet up with people I've met on-line in these past few years.  I haven't been on a road trip since I got sick and I am so looking forward to this one.

The other day the younger Frenchling turned 18 and that meant that I no longer have children at home.  My two daughters are a source of delight and wonder for me.  They are so much smarter than I am and much funnier, too.  The elder Frenchling is working at a restaurant here in Seattle this summer - an introduction to the working world.  Tips are generally good and so are most of the customers.  But every once in awhile there's a bad apple.  The other day one such person came in and said:  "Yeah you guys aren't really doing anything, but the tip jar is right there so I'd feel bad not leaving a few dollars."

To which my daughter replied (in her head and on FB later, but not to the customer since she is no fool):

"Yes honey. The food runs itself, the shakes make themselves, the dishes carry themselves to the kitchen. In fact, the money makes itself. I don't know why we even show up for work."

Yes, my sweet child, "Il y a des cons partout."  Now, if she were in France she could have said it directly to the customer but this is the U.S. where it is apparently acceptable to 1.  denigrate working people and 2. be rude and unpleasant to the staff.  Whoever came up with "The Customer is King" was an ass.

In honor of my two adult children, here is a post I wrote back in 2008 about some general principles we followed for raising bi-lingual, bi-cultural, bi-national kids.  Your mileage may vary but it seems to have worked out pretty well for us.

How to Raise Frenchlings

The Franco-American Flophouse is a bi-lingual, bi-cultural family (even the cats understand English, French and Frenglish.) Contrary to what some people think it was not obvious when we had children that we would succeed in making it so. It takes more than one foreign parent to create a truly bi-cultural family in which everyone is “at home” wherever you decide to live. Success depends on your persistence and on your awareness of the forces that are aligned against you (schools, family members, the dominant culture). Here are four strategies that we have used that we think were particularly effective:

Language Equality - my husband and I use the One Parent, One Language method (OPOL). He speaks French to the Frenchlings and I speak English. This is the foundation but it is far from sufficient. Over the years we have come up with other strategies that we have added to OPOL:

- My husband and I are bi-lingual and we demonstrate daily to the children that we are competent in both languages. Since we live in France where the dominant language is French my husband and I reinforce English by speaking it to each other at home.

- French and English books and movies are always read/shown in the original language (no cheating and turning on the French soundtrack to Harry Potter). 

- Recognize that language is a very emotional topic in many countries and that the larger society (in particular the public schools) has interests that are not necessarily compatible with your multi-lingual, multi-cultural goals. This has been my experience in both the US and France (in the latter I was scolded by the teachers when my children were young for speaking English at home). My advice is to not get into it with the schools or argue about it with family or friends. Just smile, thank them for their advice, and then go home and do what you think is right.

Staying Connected
Language is only half the battle, culture is just as important. Frequent visits to the Other Country are indispensable. Our Frenchlings spend part of their vacation in France (Brittany) and part in North America (Canada and the U.S.) where they stay with grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends. This not only enriching from a cultural standpoint but it keeps the extended family firmly in the present.

Choosing a Third Place
Three years ago we packed up and moved to Tokyo, Japan for two years. It was the first time we lived as a family in a place where none of us were citizens and none of us spoke or read the language. The home court advantage was completely erased. For the first time we could see the subtle advantages that my French husband has when we live in France or I had when we lived in the U.S. It also gave us a completely different perspective on European/North American cultures which, seen through the eyes of our Asian friends and co-workers, are not so different...

The Grass is NOT Greener
The grass is not greener on the other side of the Atlantic. We do not live in France because it is a nicer place than North America and we do not spend our days filled with regret that we are not living in the U.S. This is what we believe and what we teach our children: there is no “better” place, there are only different places with different charms and challenges.


Christophe said...

Thanks for the reminder on how to raise Frenchlings!
Yes, there are not so nice people everywhere. To relate to your post, tips are somewhat cultural too.
For example, in France, people usually don't tip at restaurants, only at bars (at least from what I remember). I thinks tips are a weird concept. Are they there to reward the good service of a waitress/waiter, or simply to complete their salary. Why aren't they paid correctly in the first place or why is this not included in the price. Actually, in the US, for large parties, restaurants usually include a mandatory 15% tip in the bill. This is inconsistent.
I tip because it's the right thing to do, but my point of view is that they should pay their employees right in the first place.
And most of them do a great job anyway. In rare cases the service was so bad that you don't want to tip. And this is not necessary the fault of the waitress.
Enjoy your road trip. Drive safe!

P. Moore said...

Thoughtful post. Looks like your 'Frenchlings' are being (or have been) raised in a manner that they are comfortable moving around the world without fear. I suspect that makes them very mature for their age and probably makes their parents quite confident in their ability to handle themselves wherever they go.

Hope you have a great trip to Vancouver. I bet you will be quite busy there.

Victoria FERAUGE said...

I'm with you, Christophe. Relying on tips to make a decent living seems awful precarious to me. But perhaps those in the industry think different? What I know is that we are now drowning in small change here at my Mom's house.

Pat, They seem perfectly at ease wherever they are. Much more mature than I was at their age.

Vancouver was a BLAST! :-)

Delphine et Constantin said...

Hello, I like reading your posts about bilingual experience, and the way you deal with bi-cultural home.
I am French, my husband is Hungarian, our son is now 8. We are back living in France after a stay of 3 years in Hungary and 9 years in UK. I relate completely to your points on language at home, comments from school, family members, etc. ! We are unfortunately not as good on keeping both languages at home (I should even say 3 languages, as we were speaking French, English and Hungarian at some point). We were going through a phase of "I don't want to be different than others children at school", leading to blocking out completely English and Hungarian.
However since last year, we have been lucky enough to find a school offering International option, so a lot of kids have this bilingual / bi-cultural background at home too. This helps a lot!
Thanks for sharing your experience! Enjoy your time in the US!

Victoria FERAUGE said...

@Delphine and Constantin, Thank you so much for reading and for your comment. I remember well that "I don't want to be different" phase. I'm so glad you were able to find an international school for your children. It does help and not just for the language - they go from being exotic beasts to being just like everyone else.

Good luck to you and please come back and let me know how the international school works out for your children.